Thursday, November 3, 2011

i'm not different... just weird...2011 #4

Assalamualaikum WBT.

Hurmmm... Have you ever felt sorry for yourself? dreams you had for years didn't turn to reality. When the person you've become isn't the one you wanted to be?

Today I felt that. I didn't get to do what I am supposed to do. And the things I did is not what I supposed to do. I feel like I am losing now in this battle. And I'm feeling like I kinda lost my way.

Since I was a kid, I didn't have much motivation and strength. I always take things for granted. I always blame others if things went bad. I complained a lot. i dream a lot. I am lazy. I lied...and I lied a lot... :(

And up until now, I don't think I've changed. I am still that lazy, unmotivated, whining person. It's not that I don't want to be better. I want to be better. I really do. But it seems to me that changing is not an easy task. People said that we need to get out of our comfort zone. Put our hands in the mud. But that just never happened to me. I know all the reasons for life turn out to be like this for me. I do realize that the problem is myself.

But like I said, I am lazy, and unmotivated. I'm not sure how i got this far in life. But I do think that luck is all I have so far, and I'm gonna be out of luck soon. I realize that if the time comes, life gonna eat me bad...and I'm done, I'm gone... Because I don't really prepare myself quite well for this situation.

How can I make this to change..? How can I be passionate in the things that I need to do? Things that suppose to prepare me when my luck runs out.

Hurmmm... I'm not sure what to do? Where to begin? When to start? I'm not sure who I want to become? And quite sure that I am not sure who I am right now...

Astaghfirullah... :(

I need help... I need help bad... :(

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